Finally I'm back to my 2 days off during the week. Due to the guy I work with being on vacation for 2 weeks, I have been working during the week and having weekends off. Don't get me wrong. I do love the mister and time with him is nice… but I don't get much done. I absolutely love my days off by myself. Posting the blog is one of the things that didn't get done. So, hello! I'm back. The first part I wrote out right after Christmas, but didn't get it posted, so I thought I'd throw it in.
Another Christmas, come and gone
I sit here and reflect on another Christmas gone in a flash. Mixed emotions. I loved getting together with the family. Planning the gourmet dinner. How to make it comfortable, yet classy. How to make good tasting food that is special with a small budget. Loved the family getting together at our house. Yet through all that I felt that I wasn't quite getting all the holiday feelings that I should. But it just hit me today what the problem is. Me. Older.
I realize that I have been thinking that I need to have the feelings that I had as a kid. The great anticipation and wonder that filled me from Thanksgiving till Christmas. Or the feelings I had with the kids at home, planning all the little things that made Christmas exciting for them. I enjoyed all that so much, but this is not then, it's now.
I realize that I was feeling guilty for not having those same feelings. For some reason guilt is something we do well in our family. Silly guilt. Other people seem to need others to make them feel guilty. We do it well all on our own. It seems like it's passed down through generations. Funny, I can honestly say that I would feel guilty not feeling guilty. I know other family members feel the same way. So back to "Christmas Feelings". I need to get to the point where I am ok with how the holidays make me feel now. That it's ok to just enjoy the little bits here and there and not be all consumed with great feelings of Christmas 24/7 throughout the month of December.
Looking at it this way, I can honestly say I had a great Christmas. I loved driving in the driveway every night after work and seeing the house all lit up, thanks to hours spent by the mister getting all the lights to work. I loved walking up to the door and seeing the cedar garland (bought, not made, ran out of time and got smart) and cedar wreath. I loved knitting sweaters and sewing dresses for the granddaughter's barbie. Enjoyed baking things for Christmas eve with Christmas songs booming on my stereo. I enjoyed figuring out ways to give myself 12 days of Christmas. I don't think I got all 12, but I did lots of little things. I bought myself a Christmas book of short stories. One night after work I got myself a breve and sat in my car under a street light and read for a half hour. I make myself "Not Hot Chocolate" (kaluah and half and half heated, yum) and sat on the front porch and drank it, enjoying the lights. One afternoon I sat and watched HGTV and knit all by myself. I took a long bath and read lots of knitting magazines that mom brought over. I sat in our "new" big living room and enjoyed the tree, way down at the other end.
Little bits of good Christmas cheer here and there this season. Not an all consuming feeling, but good just the same. So I mark this up as a great Christmas for a me who's become an older, but enjoyable me.
I am still amazed at the change that taking out the wall made. I love sitting on my couch and looking into the dining room!
“The difference between try and triumph is a little umph.” – Unknown
I seem to have misplaced my umph. Somewhere between removing the wall, the business of Christmas and now it has disappeared. Maybe it's with all the rubble of trim from the wall removal that is crowding my already messy shop. Maybe it's upstairs among the scattered toys and Christmas decorations the need to be put away. Maybe I lost it in the many receipts that I have been going through to get ready for tax time. Where ever it is, I am determined to find it. Life is too short to not have any umph.
So today, instead of searching the web for fabric for my new dining room (not enough budget or time to buy right now, anyway) or searching on craigslist for a leather couch and loveseat (what am I thinking…now is not the time to redecorate!) or watching stupid TV, I will start cleaning the upstairs, sorting out the trim and finishing up my tax stuff. Instead of having the TV on I will listen to podcasts on my computer while I work away. Hopefully by the end of the day I will find my lost umph!
On the Farm
Jack and Diane seem to be a happy couple again without 14 offspring following them around. Hummm…. I think I will have duck for dinner.
Lucy and Smirky are coming close to me now, although if I don't have grain, they have no interest. I have this picture in my mind of them running up to me to have their heads rubbed, following me like Mary's little lamb, but if I am honest with myself that is unlikely to happen.
Yeah! Blog posted. On to getting this house into shape.
PS My niece's blog madmaxmama.blogspot.com is great!